ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Randomize
