So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
