moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Dear god my vagina.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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