im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
