This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
