she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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