You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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