The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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