Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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