you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
