I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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