This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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