I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
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