i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
