the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
