so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
