I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
