you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
