He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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