i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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