Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
