the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
