I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
