I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Randomize
