Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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