I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
