you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
