Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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