i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
