ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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