Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Randomize
