I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
