She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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