i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
