fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
