you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
