I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
