dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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