youre lurking in front of me
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize
