EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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