your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
