So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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