my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I just found puke in my bra..
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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