Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
operation harelip BJ is a go
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
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