I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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