everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
