Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
