Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Randomize
