Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
