you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
