I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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