I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
