Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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