I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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