I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Randomize
