I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
She made me pour olive oil on her.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
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