i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
